Love Never Dies: What Not To Do
by Ace of Gallifrey
Summary: Just what it says on the tin: what phans should definitely avoid doing when they suddenly find themselves in the middle of LND.  Rating just to be on the safe side.


**Title-** Love Never Dies: What Not To Do**  
>CharactersPairings-** all of them/irrelevant**  
>Rating-<strong> T just to be safe.**  
>Summary-<strong> Just what it says on the tin- what phans should definitely avoid doing when they suddenly find themselves in the middle of LND.

**A/N-** I've seen it done for other fandoms, but not for LND, and let's face it, with all the idiocy ALW poured into this thing (seriously... it's like he was legitimately trying to parody HIMSELF or something...) it's way too easy to pass on the chance of being the first to do this...

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><p>I will not tell Meg that Erik is composing again.<p>

I will not tell Erik that Gustave is actually the love-child resulting from a secret tryst between Christine and Ubaldo Piangi.

I will, however, tell Raoul this, because it might make him feel better.

I will not paint Erik's face up like Gene Simmons.

Even if Ramin Karimloo would probably still look hot.

I will not ask Mme. Giry why she suddenly has a Transylvanian accent.

I will not force Mr. Squelch to carry me everywhere just because he can.

I will not spike Meg's coffee with amphetamines.

I will not tell Gustave that Christine thought his father was his own namesake for most of her life, because that's just cruel.

I will instead buy Gustave some clothes that make him look less ridiculous.

I will not challenge Raoul to a game of chance.

I will not challenge Erik to a game of chance, but for an entirely different reason.

I will not tell Raoul that Christine loves him for his money.

Following that thought, I will also not remind Raoul that he now has no money.

I will not introduce Meg to Fantine.

I will not teach Meg to sing "I Dreamed A Dream."

I will not teach Meg to sing Rihanna's bit from "Love the Way You Lie."

I will not teach Meg to sing Taylor Swift's "You Belong With Me."

Actually, I will not teach Meg to sing. That's supposed to be Erik's job...

I will not ask Miss Fleck why constantly wearing feathers somehow makes her a freak or a monster.

I will not ask Meg to teach Gustave how to swim.

I will not leave AA pamphlets in Raoul's luggage.

I will not ask Mme. Giry why she's planning on still hanging around Phantasma after it's been closed and gone for years.

I will not make Mme. Giry watch a Nelly music video, and then tell her that the world is going to turn out like that because of how she raised her daughter.

I will not ask Miss Fleck if she's a Rocky Horror extras reject.

I will not ask Meg if she plans on changing her name to Lovett and changing her specialty from Men Who Punjab to Men Who Slit Throats.

I will not tell ALW that his "jokes" with the names "Mister Y" and "Phantasma" are actually not clever at all... oh wait, _actually_...

I will not play "Never have I ever..." with Raoul.

I will not casually mention in Erik's presence that at ten years old, Gustave is actually much too old to have been conceived just the night before Christine's wedding.

I will also not casually mention in Erik's presence that it's entirely possible that Gustave inherited musical talent from his grandfather... or how about his mother?

I will also not casually mention in Erik's presence that most ten year olds like dark places- it's not a trait unique just to him and any potential offspring.

I will not body-swap Carlotta and Meg.

Even if it would be hilarious.

I will not body-swap Raoul and Erik.

Because that would have some really bad consequences.

I will not point out that Gustave has clearly inherited his mother's tendency to wander off with strangers in creepy basements.

I will not run around Phantasma cutting down every chandelier I find just to "spice things up a bit."

I will not start leaving anonymous roses in Meg's dressing room.

I will not attempt to re-create Erik's torture chamber in the fun-house mirror room.

I will not leave a lot of Gustave's jackets around Mme. Giry's quarters.

I will not teach Meg's backup dancers to sing "Lovely Ladies" to drive Meg crazy(er).

Even though they would probably do an awesome job of it.

I will not get a pharmacist to write Meg a prescription for Prozac.

I will not leave creepy stalker love notes signed "Mr. Thomas" in Meg's dressing room.

I will not switch Christine's and Meg's wardrobes.

I will not switch Raoul's booze with motor oil.

Not even if Erik promises to pay me in hugs.

(Okay, _maybe_ if Erik promises to pay me in hugs.)

I will not trip Christine in front of all the cameras when she first arrives in New York.

I will not feed Gustave insane amounts of candy right before it's Raoul's turn to watch him.

I will not give Gustave access to a drum kit.

Even though it would drive both of his fathers insane(r).

I will not rufie the entire cast and drag them on a two-week Hangover-style road trip to Vegas.

Mainly because I'm not 100% sure Vegas actually existed in 1907.

If it did, I'm pretty sure it wasn't much to look at.

Also, Vegas is boring. Erik and Meg and Christine and I could get up to much more mischief in New Haven.

I will not drug Christine and sing the song myself.

Even though I'm pretty sure I could.

I will not teach Erik to sing "Defying Gravity" instead of "Til I Hear You Sing."

Even if I think it would up the musical quality of the show quite a lot.

And even if it is totally appropriate for his character.

I will not replace all of Christine's jewelry with candy necklaces.

I will not ask Dr. Gangle and Mr. Squelch where ALW hid their personalities.

I will not put big flashing neon signs all over Phantasma pointing to the Ayrie that say "Deranged Deformed Dude Dwelling."

Mainly because I have a feeling Erik probably hates alliteration, and I have no desire to be punjabbed.

I will not convince Mme. Giry that Erik is actually in love with her. We have enough problems with _one_ deranged former ballerina on the loose!

I will not stalk Ramin Karimloo.

(Okay, maybe I will. But only a little bit, and not in person...)

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><p><strong>AN-** Any more to add to the list? PM them to me or- better yet- leave a review!


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